Thank God for this Friday.
"But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." — Isa 53:5
Thank You, Lord.
Today, I presented an item during the Synod Presbyterian Easter convention. Numerically speaking, it was the largest audience I've ever sung solo in front of. Everyone whom I came across after were telling me how blessed they were by the song. But soon after, as I listened back on the video recording E took for me (thank you girls for coming—it really meant a lot to me) I felt that I blew it. I already knew that I made some unspeakable mistakes during the presentation which I pretended were intentional, but as I listened, my 'unspeakable mistakes' weren't the mistakes that were gasp-worthy.
What got me was that the progress that I had in the recent weeks, all that I'd rehearsed—were pretty much thrown out of the window. On a technical level, my performance was very much a poor, poor reflection of what I've been taught and what I could do. On a technical level, it was far below my best. My item was the responsive item after the sermon, before the offering. I was struck hard during the sermon as Rev W.W. spoke about his daughter, a prodigal daughter, who was now a professor. 7 years he went through having to make the most painful decisions and simply love his daughter, and only then he understood God's intentions. 14 years he struggled with unforgiveness and woundedness... Till he finally was restored in God's time just last year. Such resonance I felt, that the words of the song that I was going to present hit my heart the deepest for all the times I'd sung it... Tears came to my eyes. "I wonder how He could love me — a sinner, condemned, unclean." As the time for me to sing drew near, I felt more and more nervous, but again remembered Christ with me... And I calmed down albeit heart still a-pumping.
Then there I was, standing in front of the crowd. Emotions were still wrenching within me, and my technical brain got lost. I just sang. I remember being so nervous (uh huh si si), breathing at all the wrong places because I knew I wasn't going to make it, and the climax was... Non-existent. I don't really dare to listen to my performance again because I'd criticize it on a technical front to no end. Pun not intended. But after speaking to my beloved double E-s, and a divine appointment with Dr W, I realized that I forgot my initial prayer for the presentation, and what I always desired in all my 'performances': To be a clean vessel. Vassal. Nothing that I was doing was by my own strength!
Still I struggled with this thought: I could do it during the rehearsals, so why not the actual thing when it mattered? And what would my vocal teacher say... (She hasn't said anything yet.) Perhaps there were too many things going on in my mind with the emotional stirring... Then what Pr EC once said came to mind: The minister must first be ministered to. I was. Therefore, people were. Was that not my goal? This wasn't Baybeats. This wasn't some secular performance that had me as the focus and limelight. I was just a vessel/vassel that the Lord was using to bring His message across. He determined that techniquely I was going to fall (somewhat) flat—His will be done.
I shall sum this bit of reflection with what I wrote on my Facebook status in thanksgiving: "Today's song offering reminded me that to preach, the preacher must first be preached to; to minister, the minister must first be ministered to... God answered my prayer "how He could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean" finally truly, deeply embedded itself in my heart during the sermon. Even though technique-ly I know I messed up, I know that it was no longer -me- who was singing, but a tiny vessel/vassal bringing forth God's message. I am humbled and thankful for this great privilege. Soli Deo Gloria."
P.S. Still, one thing's for sure... I will be extremely determined to get my technique done well so that I will be consistent and not have to be too caught up with these in future. :P
Thank You, Lord.
Today, I presented an item during the Synod Presbyterian Easter convention. Numerically speaking, it was the largest audience I've ever sung solo in front of. Everyone whom I came across after were telling me how blessed they were by the song. But soon after, as I listened back on the video recording E took for me (thank you girls for coming—it really meant a lot to me) I felt that I blew it. I already knew that I made some unspeakable mistakes during the presentation which I pretended were intentional, but as I listened, my 'unspeakable mistakes' weren't the mistakes that were gasp-worthy.
What got me was that the progress that I had in the recent weeks, all that I'd rehearsed—were pretty much thrown out of the window. On a technical level, my performance was very much a poor, poor reflection of what I've been taught and what I could do. On a technical level, it was far below my best. My item was the responsive item after the sermon, before the offering. I was struck hard during the sermon as Rev W.W. spoke about his daughter, a prodigal daughter, who was now a professor. 7 years he went through having to make the most painful decisions and simply love his daughter, and only then he understood God's intentions. 14 years he struggled with unforgiveness and woundedness... Till he finally was restored in God's time just last year. Such resonance I felt, that the words of the song that I was going to present hit my heart the deepest for all the times I'd sung it... Tears came to my eyes. "I wonder how He could love me — a sinner, condemned, unclean." As the time for me to sing drew near, I felt more and more nervous, but again remembered Christ with me... And I calmed down albeit heart still a-pumping.
Then there I was, standing in front of the crowd. Emotions were still wrenching within me, and my technical brain got lost. I just sang. I remember being so nervous (uh huh si si), breathing at all the wrong places because I knew I wasn't going to make it, and the climax was... Non-existent. I don't really dare to listen to my performance again because I'd criticize it on a technical front to no end. Pun not intended. But after speaking to my beloved double E-s, and a divine appointment with Dr W, I realized that I forgot my initial prayer for the presentation, and what I always desired in all my 'performances': To be a clean vessel. Vassal. Nothing that I was doing was by my own strength!
Still I struggled with this thought: I could do it during the rehearsals, so why not the actual thing when it mattered? And what would my vocal teacher say... (She hasn't said anything yet.) Perhaps there were too many things going on in my mind with the emotional stirring... Then what Pr EC once said came to mind: The minister must first be ministered to. I was. Therefore, people were. Was that not my goal? This wasn't Baybeats. This wasn't some secular performance that had me as the focus and limelight. I was just a vessel/vassel that the Lord was using to bring His message across. He determined that techniquely I was going to fall (somewhat) flat—His will be done.
I shall sum this bit of reflection with what I wrote on my Facebook status in thanksgiving: "Today's song offering reminded me that to preach, the preacher must first be preached to; to minister, the minister must first be ministered to... God answered my prayer "how He could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean" finally truly, deeply embedded itself in my heart during the sermon. Even though technique-ly I know I messed up, I know that it was no longer -me- who was singing, but a tiny vessel/vassal bringing forth God's message. I am humbled and thankful for this great privilege. Soli Deo Gloria."
P.S. Still, one thing's for sure... I will be extremely determined to get my technique done well so that I will be consistent and not have to be too caught up with these in future. :P
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